The end will lead to a new beginning.
My 2nd marriage is coming to an end. Those of you who knew us, will be surprised by this - I think we were an inspirational couple. For Phil, this decision has been a longer, silent process, but for me; it’s been sudden and swift. I had thought we were on solid ground, I was blissful in the comfort and companionship this relationship provided, meanwhile, Phil was on his own journey, which people must take, and the path he is on now does not include our marriage.
I am sad for the loss of something so beautiful, and I am heartbroken for the loss of my best friend - a man I felt knew me better than any other I had met. I am afraid to begin the process of finding another mate, afraid to be alone if I am faced with something like an illness or a death and afraid I won’t have someone special to grow old with.
And yet, I am still so deeply thankful for my experience. For 11 years, I was loved, supported and nurtured so that I could do the same for my family and myself. We had MANY adventures and life was fun. Phil was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, we fought and beat it and I learned how strong I am. I believe in the saying “everything happens for a reason” and have faith that even more wonderful things are in store for me. I feel lighter, like my love is not tethered, like there are many places I was supposed to direct my love, that I didn’t… and now I can. I am open to a new chapter. I am excited for my future. Yes, I am thankful.
Of course I’m seeing a counsellor. This journey could not be navigated alone. To heal, I will need just the right people around me to help me through the process of this loss. Today, I had my first grief trigger since Phil moved out. I noticed in our shared calendar that he has plans - without me - and it made me mad. When I arrived at my appointment today, I told my counsellor that I didn’t want to be mad because it’s a useless emotion that isn’t helpful, and would only serve to ruin my day if I were to allow myself to feel mad. Fortunately, my counsellor was still able to help me safely explore the feeling of being mad and the idea that I could move through it and not get stuck in it. I’ll share more about what I learned in my next post.
This journey will be full of hills and valleys. I am aware and open to that. It feels good to talk about it. Thank you for sharing in my story. I am honoured to have you know it.