Fitting the pieces of the relationship puzzle.
In my post last week, I talked about feeling mad at my partner as our relationship comes to an end. Here is an excerpt:
"When I arrived at my appointment today, I told my counsellor that I didn’t want to be mad because it’s a useless emotion that isn’t helpful, and would only serve to ruin my day if I were to allow myself to feel mad. Fortunately, my counsellor was still able to help me safely explore the feeling of being mad and the idea that I could move through it and not get stuck in it. I’ll share more about what I learned in my next post."
So here today, is the first piece of what was revealed to me in that session:
In my first marriage, I feel like I did all the work; breadwinner, caregiver, cheerleader, house and relationship manager. To his credit, he was a stay-at-home dad and did the cooking and cleaning, but unfortunately that wasn’t how I wanted to be valued. I felt let down to have been put in that position, but at the time, I had very little self awareness, and no way of expressing the nature of my discontent. When I left that marriage, I thought I left that burden with it and would no longer be able to feel let down by someone who was no longer my partner. I never realized how much I was still managing that relationship and how heavily it weighs on me. That makes me mad. So it turns out I’ve been mad for 11 years and didn’t really know it. And since I am already mad at one husband, I have NO desire to double it up! But talking about it today, with the guidance of my counsellor helped me understand the whole situation better, and helped me not be afraid of the feelings. I felt safe feeling what I did because I had the opportunity to talk about it while I was feeling it.
Here’s the second thing I learned: In my second marriage, I sought to be looked after completely differently. I went from one extreme to the other. I got what I so desperately wanted after the first marriage. Phil showed me love by looking after my every need and I loved him deeply for that. I imagine a burden was created in him, similar to what I had felt myself, in my first marriage. A friend asked if I felt regret about that. I do not. I feel wistful that we didn’t recognize how hard that ended up being for Phil in the end, that he maybe discovered it wasn't the way he wanted to love me after all, but I loved him for the way he did love me for that time. I would still look back and say for me, our life together was magical and unmatched.
I look forward to using these pieces of my relationship puzzle, to heal me now and also to help me create the new relationship of my dreams, when the time comes. I can see already that it will be a better balance, somewhere on the pendulum between my first 2.
I want you all to know that I always feel hope. As long as I am learning and growing, I am on the right path. Thank you for sharing in my journey. I am honoured to share it with you.
#thisisme #weareone #weareconnected